"Had A Bad Day"......

About a year before I began my relationship with Rebecca, and Ashley was living in her then pre-adoptive home, I received, what I consider, one of my most priced possessions. A CD from Ashley. The CD contained some songs that were clearly selected by Ashley herself and some that I now know were chosen by her Dad. This CD, what I like to call, an eclectic mix of great music, came accompanied by a simple card, that read; "I made you this CD. I think of you when I hear Had A Bad Day, it's on here with the other song I like. Love Ashley".

So simple, yet so powerful. I put the CD in and listened from beginning to end. By the 5th song I was in tears, along with my mother who was listening from down the hall. Whether intentional or not, every song spoke to me, as though Ashley were giving me some secret messages, and in some way, maybe she did without even knowing. I pondered over how sad it was that when she heard the song Had A Bad Day, she thought of me. I honestly had grown to dislike the song thanks to American Idol, but listened to the words intently, over and over. For the first time I heard what the song was saying and cried. Here was my daughter, thinking about how my life's a mess, I'm lost, and all I needed was a break, ouch.

The one verse, that to this day continues to echo through my mind, when I listen to the song, and think of my past mistakes, and everything I'm doing now is; "So where was the passion when you need it the most, you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost." Where was the passion when I needed it the most? Why is it that now I have more passion than time, but when my children were counting on me, my magic was lost? I can't for the life of me figure it out, but I do know, it won't happen again.

I'm thinking about this today because I've been reminded of other people in my life, that I, at one time, had judged for lacking a passion for their child. At the time, it seemed an unspeakable act, to walk away from your child, to give up and allow others to parent them. But I now understand, that sometimes, the walking away part, was the best thing for the child at the time, and still may be. I know that your emotional state can overpower your reason, and drive you to do things, you wouldn't dream of in your right mind. Although, it is often difficult to let go of that pain, I know it is right to let go of the anger and resentment, for I would be a hypocrite, to do anything less, than that, that was done for me, forgiveness.

 Forgiveness doesn't always make it right, but it does open the door for healing, and to that person, whom I speak of, I offer you forgiveness and I hope you can begin to heal.

 On that great CD, directly following "Had a Bad Day", is a song by Saving Jane, called "Better Day". How appropriately placed on the playlist! After the words of Had a Bad day resonated with me, the words of  "Better Day" fueled my fire. I played that song all day every day, until I heard Ashley's and Hannah's voice sing the words from inside me.........

"It's gona be a better day,
Think I'm gona be OK,
 Got a little air to Breathe,
That's all right with me,
Got a little light to shine,
You can't take what's mine,
 I've been down SO LOW, NO WHERE BUT UP TO GO,
So go ahead bring all the rain,
It's Gona Be A Better Day!"

Enjoy Your Better Day, Live Like Today is Your Last, and Don't Forget to Love Your Children, No Matter Where They Are!
 MAKE SURE TO CHECK ME OUT ON, THE ROAD TO RECOVERY'S "FAMILIES ARE THE FRONTLINE" PREMERING JUNE 6TH ON RECOVERYMONTH.GOV OR CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS!