Parenting Doesn't End With Adoption, In Fact, It Is Just Begining

Monday, June 4, 2012

"Had A Bad Day"......

About a year before I began my relationship with Rebecca, and Ashley was living in her then pre-adoptive home, I received, what I consider, one of my most priced possessions. A CD from Ashley. The CD contained some songs that were clearly selected by Ashley herself and some that I now know were chosen by her Dad. This CD, what I like to call, an eclectic mix of great music, came accompanied by a simple card, that read; "I made you this CD. I think of you when I hear Had A Bad Day, it's on here with the other song I like. Love Ashley".

So simple, yet so powerful. I put the CD in and listened from beginning to end. By the 5th song I was in tears, along with my mother who was listening from down the hall. Whether intentional or not, every song spoke to me, as though Ashley were giving me some secret messages, and in some way, maybe she did without even knowing. I pondered over how sad it was that when she heard the song Had A Bad Day, she thought of me. I honestly had grown to dislike the song thanks to American Idol, but listened to the words intently, over and over. For the first time I heard what the song was saying and cried. Here was my daughter, thinking about how my life's a mess, I'm lost, and all I needed was a break, ouch.

The one verse, that to this day continues to echo through my mind, when I listen to the song, and think of my past mistakes, and everything I'm doing now is; "So where was the passion when you need it the most, you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost." Where was the passion when I needed it the most? Why is it that now I have more passion than time, but when my children were counting on me, my magic was lost? I can't for the life of me figure it out, but I do know, it won't happen again.

I'm thinking about this today because I've been reminded of other people in my life, that I, at one time, had judged for lacking a passion for their child. At the time, it seemed an unspeakable act, to walk away from your child, to give up and allow others to parent them. But I now understand, that sometimes, the walking away part, was the best thing for the child at the time, and still may be. I know that your emotional state can overpower your reason, and drive you to do things, you wouldn't dream of in your right mind. Although, it is often difficult to let go of that pain, I know it is right to let go of the anger and resentment, for I would be a hypocrite, to do anything less, than that, that was done for me, forgiveness.

 Forgiveness doesn't always make it right, but it does open the door for healing, and to that person, whom I speak of, I offer you forgiveness and I hope you can begin to heal.

 On that great CD, directly following "Had a Bad Day", is a song by Saving Jane, called "Better Day". How appropriately placed on the playlist! After the words of Had a Bad day resonated with me, the words of  "Better Day" fueled my fire. I played that song all day every day, until I heard Ashley's and Hannah's voice sing the words from inside me.........

"It's gona be a better day,
Think I'm gona be OK,
 Got a little air to Breathe,
That's all right with me,
Got a little light to shine,
You can't take what's mine,
 I've been down SO LOW, NO WHERE BUT UP TO GO,
So go ahead bring all the rain,
It's Gona Be A Better Day!"

Enjoy Your Better Day, Live Like Today is Your Last, and Don't Forget to Love Your Children, No Matter Where They Are!


  1. Erica... I have never posted this before on adoption forums... I made that decision once to... I gave my kids to my ex husband during our divorce proceedings. I fell apart completely and could not care for them. They went to their dads for what was to be a temporary arrangement. A few months tops so I could collect myself and get it together. I talked to them almost everyday and saw them every two weeks( I lived 6 hours away from him). 2 months after he took them for me... I moved to the town their dad lived in and where they were... and then I found out my atty had signed temporary custody over to him. It took me two years of custody legal battles to get them back. It even went to the appellate court. I was lucky that he did let me see them during this time and after awhile a judge gave me 50 50 visitation. Where was that passion, why could I not hold it together at that time? My kids were my everything but 8 months after leaving my ex husband I was a mess. I went from a sahm crunchy mommy who breastfed and co slept and going to mommy and me playdates to a non custodial mother.

    I liked what you said even if it was the best thing for the kids. While it caused me so much heartbreak and my kids trauma I do not know if I can ever fix... I did make a hard choice and it was in the best interest of my kids. I also know that I am a better mother today because of what we went through.

    Your post touched me tonight to share this. I know it pales in comparison to what you have been through. But I did want you to know.

    1. Your story and struggles are no less or no more than what I've been through, our ability to do what's best for our children, even when it's not what's best for us, while still loving and longing for them every moment of every day makes us equals hun. No matter how we got there, we've shared a pain that only a mother without her child could feel.

      I commend you for fighting so hard for your boys, and for giving them to their father when you could not be everything the needed. It sounds like you were and still are, a devoted mother, and I'm sure your boys know that! Someday they will understand the gift you've given them, that goes much further than the gift of life. You gave them, courage, humilaty, strength,love, peace, etc. You allowed them to be in a place where they wouldn't have to see their mother suffer, and that's passion hun. So many mother's drag their children through hurendous situations, and they witness things no child ever should, you saved your babies that pain hun, be proud of yourself.

      I'm so glad you've been able to be a part of their lives again, and THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing your story with me. I have goosebumps from reading it, and I'm near tears, thank you for feeling what I wrote, I'm so honored to have you here, keep smilin', and HAVE A BETTER DAY! (love that! lol) THANKS HUN!

  2. Erica,
    Yes, I did fill out the CD with some songs after Ashley had chosen what she wanted. And she specifically remembered some moment with you listening to Had a Bad Day on the radio. That song was indeed a very important link to you for her.

    I will take the credit for the sequencing. I did indeed very deliberately place Better Day as the next song. And that was MY message to you.

    I am really pleased that the CD was so meaningfull to you. I've managed to make a successful CD for just about everyone but Rebecca. She's a tough one to crack with "special songs"!

  3. I think you are an amazing mom and person