As some of you may already know, I recently welcomed my youngest son Tanner into this world. So far he has brought indescribable joy to my life and his siblings. Tanner was an unexpected addition to my family, but I already can't imagine my life without him. Unfortunately, the joy of bringing this precious new life home has been over-shadowed by the nightmare of my past.
I'm very proud to say I've been in recovery for three years, and have successfully remained sober and have set, and surpassed many new goals for myself and my children. I am a successful Family Support Specialist and Medication Assisted Treatment Advocate for the FRESH Start Program. I have completed numerous trainings/certifications in both Recovery and Parenting. I have been honored to speak at The Massachusetts Health Policy Forum on Substance Exposed Newborns, Schwartz Grand Rounds, and Brown-Bag Lunch at Bay State Hospital, (and was invited back a third time) along with numerous other venues including The Through Her Eyes Conference with Keynote speaker David Peltzer, and most recently have been invited to be a panelist on a national television show about Recovery. I feel I've worked hard to accomplish all this, with the best reward being I've been able to re-connect with my daughter Ashley, and have been welcomed in by her adoptive family.
You would think with all the work I've done, I would be able to step out of the shadow of my past mistakes. That there is truth in the statement "people can change". I myself, believe I am not the same person I was three years ago, I carry the knowledge of where I would be without sobriety, as well as the memory of where I was before, but I am no where near that person. I entered into treatment three years ago because I found out I was pregnant with Tyler. When I gave birth to him I was on 80mgs of methadone. After I delivered, The Department of Children and Families stepped in, crying "History" and took custody of my son. This lasted about 12 hours until the judge over-turned their decision and gave my son back to me, willing to give me a shot at being a parent again. I took this amazing opportunity and ran with it! I ran as far away, in the opposite direction, from that "History" as I possibly could, and I got to where I am today.
Naturally, when I found out I was pregnant with Tanner, and not yet off methadone, (I was on 15mgs) I freaked out! I spent the majority of my pregnancy, dreading my impending show down with the Department. The irony of this situation is I now work with DCF on a daily basis. One of the requirements for entry into my program is involvement with them, so I spend plenty of time in contact with the hard working social workers in my area. Because of this, my supervisors and I spoke with the Department ahead of time to try to ease this process while protecting my relationship with their employees. For those of you that don't know, in the state of Massachusetts, when a baby is born on methadone the hospital must file a 51a(emergency removal of custody). So, I went into the hospital with a plan, or so I thought, that my case would run smoothly through the system, open and shut, simple. Yeah right!
Once again, I've been swindled by DCF. I thought for sure, I was in the clear, they would do what's called an "Initial Assessment", I would get a phone call and we'd be done, I could move on with my life and parent my two youngest children. Instead, they somehow managed to "misread" my drug screens and told me I had tested positive on a few test! What! Are you serious! The best part about that statement was they couldn't even tell me what I tested positive for, obviously because, I haven't been positive for an illicit substance in over three years! I'm appalled by the lack of competence that has been applied to my case. Now because of their mistake, I am under investigation by the Department, they entered my home, checked my fridge and my cabinets for food, pulled the blankets off my sleeping two year old to make sure he was OK. They will be calling my pediatrician and embarrassing me while tarnishing my reputation, and when they're done with that, they will call everyone who works as part of my support system and my treatment providers. When that's done, they will decided whether or not I can keep my kids, with or without their "services". And to top it off, this will all go on my CORI, so next time I apply for a job, I get to explain why I've been found guilty of neglect!
Yes, NEGLECT. I will never understand how being in a treatment program for Substance Use Disorder, and remaining sober can constitute neglect. The worst part is I feel like I'm reliving the nightmare of losing my children, all over again. Going to bed at night worrying if they will be at my door in the morning, because I made poor choices seven years ago. What happened to "Double Jeopardy"? Our legal system protects us from being charged with the same crime twice, then why is it the Department of Children and Families can punish us for the same thing over and over and over again!?
As I await the decision of the ever-powerful Department there is one thing I am grateful for, it has re-ignited my fire for policy change. I have a renewed desire to fight for the rights of mothers in recovery. Substance Use is a disease, just like cancer, it takes over every cell in your body and often requires medical treatment ot overcome. Seeking treatment should not be a punishable offense, yet rather an act that is nurtured and praised. If we as a society start to dissolve the stigma around recovery and advocate for change maybe substance use wouldn't be such an epidemic in this country. Many woman do not seek treatment for fear of losing their children and it's wrong. Do I think everyone in recovery can be a fit parent, absolutely not, but they should be given the chance to change, and if they make the necassary changes they should be allowed to parent their children without interruption from the state.
So, for those of you that pray, please keep my family in your prayers, that we may live through this trying time, and come out the other side, stronger and more secure than when we started. Thanks, and I will update my blog as soon as I hear from DCF.
I will absolutely be praying for you, Erika! Hang in there, momma...you should be proud of yourself. Despite all of the injustice you've experienced, you have managed not to return to old coping mechanisms. Now THAT is real change that you can be proud of!!
ReplyDeleteHow horrifying!!!! I cannot imagine going through this. I am saying prayers for you, and wishing some common sense on the DCF.
ReplyDeleteYou have already been through so much ~ you can do this and you WILL come out stronger than when you started!
Thank you so much Kim and Susie! I appreciate your prayers and support!
ReplyDeleteErica you are doing great I am so sorry this is happening to you! Stay strong and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers please continue to update!
ReplyDeleteThanks! And I will certainly update as soon as I get ANY info. I guess they have 15 business days to make a decision, so that gives them til the 31st to respond! Ugh, but thank you very much for your prayers, they are valued!
Delete“Change”-the word so many people use despite the past that they have led. I commend you for being "clean and sober" for three years now, but the fact remains MANY "mothers" have had their children returned only to abuse, neglect or kill them. I do not understand an addict; nor do I want to. But the fact remains, you abused you first/second child in utro and for that they will pay the price for your irresponsible actions (i.e. learning disabilities and/or behavior problems).
ReplyDeleteExcuse me, I did not "abuse" any of my children in utero. And before you cowardly comment maybe you should educate yourself. 94% of woman who become "addicts" are victims of trauma. No one wakes up in the morning and says "I want to be an addict" Obviously, since you don't understand an addict nor do you want to, you wouldn't know any of that. And by the way, my children are not paying any price for my actions, my two year old happens to be accelerated, and is already reading and writing, so I guess that throws out your theory on learning disabilities or behavior problems. Do me a favor and keep your ignorant comments to yourself!
DeleteThe two you have are not "paying the price for your actions" but the first two are. My comments are not ignorant they are facts, and people are frustrated by seeing children damaged by irresponsible parents who drink/ drug while pregnant.
ReplyDeleteReading this, I'm aware that you don't know Erica's whole story. I am the adoptive parent of her second oldest child, who was not born drug addicted. Ashley was healthy at birth; I have the hospital records. Subsequent to her birth, Erica's life took a turn for the worse. She divorced. Her third child died of a virus in infancy. Later, in an attempt to support her children, she took a job as a bartender at a less-than-reputable establishment. She began to use and her life spiraled out of control from there. I don't think Erica will mind me sharing these details because she tells this whole story when she speaks in public, but she may not have shared all of the information here. She does not deny having made mistakes, but neither is she a monster. I hope this explanation sets your mind at ease.
DeleteIn any case, the question at hand is whether she is currently fit to parent the two children who are with her now, and I believe quite firmly that she is.
One more thought here. It occurs to me that in one sense, Erica and "Anonymous" are very much on the same page. A big part of Erica's current work involves getting pregnant women on the path to recovery so that their children are _not_ born drug addicted. Part of the point that is being made is that when a woman does the right thing and seeks treatment, she should be treated differently from one who has not. The important work that Erica and her colleagues do is made much more difficult if use of methadone is not distinguished from use of illicit substances.
DeleteRebecca:
ReplyDeleteHer first child was taken away maybe because of drugs in their system which most likely means they may also have learning disabilities or behavior problems. It always amaze me how society has so much sympathy and understanding for mothers who abuse their child( in utro), when they get "clean and sober" and forget about the child they may have damaged, when the child is left with the consequences of the mother’s irresponsible actions.
In regards to the use of methadone and drugs as a "sickness", before it was a disease it was a CHOICE!
You are making an incorrect assumption. Erica's first child was not taken away because of drugs in her system. She was 7-years-old when she and my now-adopted daughter entered state care. A series of events led to their removal but none of it had anything to do with drugs in their systems.
DeleteErica's nosedive into heaviest drug use occurred following the removal of her older children, as a coping mechanism to deal w/ the pain of that loss. I am not saying this as an excuse. I just want you to understand the timeline. You have made assumptions about her older children that are simply not accurate.
DeleteOk Thanks Rebecca for clearing up some stuff.
DeleteAnonymous,
I understand your frustration with people that use drugs during pregnancy, it is hard for me to accept the fact that woman do this, and I work with theses woman everyday. Fact of the matter is, I didn't use during pregnancy. My first children were removed for Domestic Violence, which, I was a VICTIM of. After losing my children, AKA my reason to live, I began using drugs heavily. This did not effect my children directly. Yes it indirectly effected them because I was not cabable of getting them back, but there was never ANY drugs, near them or in their systems.
And you're correct drug use is a CHOICE, but it is often almost always chosen as a way to cope. Many woman, including myself that have used drugs, were VICTIMS, and lacked the resources to get professional help or were scared to ask for help. Therefore they turned to substance to ease the pain/anxiety/suffering that comes with PTSD, and yes then it became a disease.
My point was there is always more to the story, and those of us that have done everything possible to keep our children safe in utero, should not be lumped into the same catagory as those who have made no effort at all. And just so you know, DCF sent me a letter stating, they found no evidence to support the report of neglect made against me, so I guess that means I didnt hurt my baby in utero. Hope that helps clear up this issue.
Erica, I commend you for blogging about your adoption, recovery, domestic violence and struggles with Childrens protective services. I also am in recovery, also a momma who parented 2 children at home, until about 18mths ago. In Aug 2010 i went through a very expensive, stressfull, mind boggling custody case for my first born son whom was 11 days away from turning 7. I had raised him by myself until his father filed for custody at age 4. In those 4yrs i devolped an addiction to pain meds (later realized i was self medicateing for what staarted as severe PPD) By the time his father decided he was ready to be a dad I was on a methadone program. I also had been in a stable relationship for over 5yrs and had just delivered my 2nd child (lil girl). I was on a dose of 13mgs at time of her delivery and since she didnt experience withdrawls (baby in utro only recieve .10% of an expectant mothers meth dose) so i decided to detox as well. Which i sucessfully did and was successfully sober for 3yrs. I attended NA reguarly,(and still do) also participate in area and reginal service work...NA saved my life i believe.
ReplyDeleteSo by the time my sons father filed for FULL custody of my son whom he had known only 2yrs, I never imagined a judge would send my son to live with him 900 miles away in a differ state. BOY WAS I WRONG!!!! The judge was kinda fair bc on paper his dad is military reserve and a home owner (his father got him to move 900 miles away by buying him a house) also employed by his dads company.
CONTINUEING IN NEXT COMMENT BOX!!!!
I however had been laid off 42 days b4 our first court date therefore was on unemployment, and also working PT at a liquor store. Living with my mom in her 5 bedroom home, where both kids hv rooms, as does she and i. His dad requested drug screenings and i happily gave 28 court issued NEGATIVE screens and a NEG hair folicle test. I openly admitted to being in recovery, my NA sponser n most my network attended my trial. I brought in my sons teachers, therapist, speech therapist and 2 coaches. My lawyer dug up where his father pled guilty to 1st degree assault 2 yrs after my son was born, for hitting his then girlfriend (now wife) in her mouth n knocking out 2 teeth. I thought for sure i had my case in the bag. Until the crt appointed custody evaluater recomended my son be taken out of his school and only town hes ever lived in and moved in with his dad....bc he was more stable. The judges exact words during his ruleing "Im not taking Mr ***** past criminal history into consideration as im also not taking Ms Hodges past drug use into consideration. Im placeing the boy with his father bc he is more financially stable and a son needs his father at the age he is." That was by far the worst, hardest, most painful day of my entire life. When u described ur emotions in the hospital as they made u hand over Tyler...I cried bc I had those same emotions X 1000. I fainted twice in Circuit crt and was taken to hospital by ambulance for a panic attack i cldnt stop myself. I then had 2hrs to tell my baby that he had to pack all his fav things and tell everyone who has ever loved him almost as much as me, (sissy, gma, step-dad) Goodbye bc the crts made me relinquish him that same friday evening.He had just finished his 1wk of 1st grade in his school. Seeing the pain in his eyes is burnt into my memory forever. I felt like i had failed as a mom bc he was so hurt and i cldnt stop his pain. And thats when it happened....I relapsed, an hr after he left. I needed to be numb, I couldnt take the hurt anymore, I felt as though i was gna die if i had to keep feeling. My relapse lasted 2 wks b4 I knew i had to get back into my program and try to find a lil faith in my God. I broke up with my daughters father bc he was still useing again. I then met a man in NA, we started dateing. Fast fwd one yr exactly from that friday i lost custody....Im in the hospital delivering my 3rd child with the man I met in NA. My 3rd child was placed directly in the arms of his a.mom.
ReplyDeleteYUP THATS RIGHT...I had gotten pregnant unexpectdly, and knew mentally and financially i could not raise another baby yet. I didnt want my first child to feel as tho i was trying to replace him and I didnt want this new baby to think that he was a replacement. I knew i couldnt afford it, i had already spent my lifes savings n had a huge loan to pay bc of $30,000 lawyer bill. And it was climbing due to appeal costs n such. The b.father is a wonderful man who is by my side still a yr later, he has no kids and he really wanted us to parent our baby. But he knew I mentally was unable to fall in love with another child at that point, and i was terrified i would relapse due to depression i already battled paired with PPD after his birth. He knew it was best for our baby, as did i. His adoptive parents know my whole story and they are truly apart of my family now. The lord i believe truely wanted me to have their child for them, bc he knew i couldnt handle him at that point.
Our stories are very different yet the emotions you described were raw and on point as to how i felt and still feel some days. Thank you so much for shareing your story, and i will always keep u in my prayers. I admire how you took such an awful desease and beat the odds. Not only beat them but surpassed them by educateing yourself n others. Although Ive been crying as ive read almost every single one of your posts, its a relief to read of another birthmom who has been thru similar struggles. God Bless you and your WHOLE family, includeing Ashleys forever family. Love, Lindsay. mom to B & G, b.mom to K :)
Lindsay,
DeleteWow, where do I start,hun you have been throught so much, and I admire your honesty and bravery for posting your amazing story. I just want to say, thank you. Thank you, for letting me know my words have been really heard, thank you for being so brave, and thank you, for showing me I am truly not alone. I've worked with many woman who have similir stories, but they all seemed so far from where I am now, and was in the past. The way you describe your struggles, your PPD, your experience with the courts, giving up your baby (I almost did same thing with my oldest son, he was 1st baby after my dughter died)and how you are living through the pain and emptiness that accompanies the loss of your children, while returning to, and staying in recovery, reminds me so much of myself. Again Thank You!
I would be honored to have you join our online support groups at AshleysMoms.org your voice would be valued there. Also, I urge you to check out MotherWoman, they are an amazing resource for PPD, and helped me so much with mine. I'm so glad you have support from NA, having a recovery community is so important to staying on track. Have you ever heard of Celebrate Recovery? They are a faith based 12 step support group. What I loved about them is they're not just for substances or alcohol, they are for recovery from, well, everything. They say it's a place for "Hurts, Habits, and Hang-ups", I think it might be a welcoming place for you to find some additional support for coping with your losses as well as PPD, which can last well beyond 2yrs or more if not treated. You can Google Celebrate Recovery, because I'm not sure if its .com or .org, but you can find them, hopefully in your area.
I would also like to connect with you personally, if you'd like. You can email me at ericaljohnson1980@yahoo.com, and then I can give you a better email to reach me. I'd LOVE to talk more with you. Again thank you Lindsay, you too will be in my prayers, as well as your children and the people who care for them. God Bless you, don't give up, stay strong and don't be afraid to tell the world your story, not only will it change the lives of others, but it will change yours! You're AMAZING!
Love,
~Erica~